What Is This, Happiness?!

At lot has happened recently, and it hasn’t even been quite a month since my last post. I guess it’s just that time of year.

December 11th was Duke Homecare and Hospice‘s annual “Lights of Remembrance” luminary service to remember our loved ones who have passed. Dad and I went last year. I remembered it being very sad, mostly because I realized that all of those lights also represented all of those caregivers who were experiencing the same acute grief that I was. It was comforting to be in the company of those who could understand me, but the sense I got of their combined feelings was overwhelming.

This year, my experience was very different. For one, the boy accompanied me. It was really nice to have his support and someone to talk through things with on the way home. For two, ever since the day after the anniversary of mom’s passing, I haven’t felt the same level of grief. I can think about her now with happy thoughts that, even though tinged with sadness, are not accompanied by the sharp point of grief. I was able to be happy that I had such a special a way to honor mom’s memory.

I think dad took it a lot harder than I did. He hasn’t been doing very well, still. I know it must be hard. I’d be having more trouble if I were still living in their house, surrounded by so many memories, both good and bad. He said he liked the message I put on this year’s placard. I thought it was appropriate.

I’ll be heading down to Florida to spend the week of Christmas with him. I’m looking forward to it for several reasons. One, I just realized that my dad is turning 70 next year. I would like to spend some more quality time with him while I have him here and healthy. Two, I feel like I haven’t gotten to see much of him lately. It will be nice for us to catch up.

While in Florida, I will get to meet a friend I’ve never met before (in person, anyway). We met a few years ago on a forum about diet and exercise. She’s a cool cat. I’m looking forward to hanging out with her. Even if my diet and exercise is nothing like it was back then. I’m afraid I haven’t exercised much at all this past month, and my diet has not been the best. One more thing to fix back up in the new year.

I’m afraid I have not gotten into the Christmas spirit this year. It hasn’t felt like Christmas at all. I hope it will once I help dad pick out a tree and put that up. The closest I’ve gotten to any kind of celebrating, besides an awesome company holiday party, is to paint my toes.

Not that it makes much difference…you never show your toes in winter anyway!

And one year ago yesterday, I met the boy in a chance encounter at speed dating. He almost didn’t go, but he decided to check it out at the last minute. I almost didn’t go because I was exhausted from driving to and from WV the day before to defend my thesis. But we went. And we somehow found each other. And over the past year, even though we’ve had a lot of ups and downs and a pretty hard break, I think we’ve only gone two full days without talking to each other.

We went on a fun road trip on Saturday to Greensboro to meet my best friend so the boy could buy a snare drum off him. (It’s a gorgeous drum!) We took our time and stopped at a lot of different places. We travel well together, which is a huge thing, really. It was one of the best days I’ve had in as long as I can remember.

Last night, we went out to acknowledge the date and had some drinks and sushi and curry. The restaurant had some glass jewelery on display that we were looking at for a bit, and he snuck off at some point to buy a bracelet to surprise me with when we got home.

Our relationship this time around is different, and it makes me wonder if we had to go through all the bullshit at the beginning so we could get it all out of the way and come back together as two friends who know each other completely. It’s hard for me to say things like “forever” after being divorced (ALMOST divorced–come on, Jan 4th!), but this just feels right. I’m happy in it, I’m comfortable in it, I’m looking forward to having this person in my life for as long as he wants to stay. How long that will be, who knows. I’m happy just for now to be here right now with what is.

This might be the most times I’ve used the word “happy” in a blog post. I think that means something. 😉

 

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Thanksgiving

Of course, just when I thought I had a handle on everything and that everything was going back to normal and boring, life threw me for another loop.

And boy, what a loop.
I still haven’t felt depressed. In fact, just the other day, I was talking about mom and found that I was able to remember her with love but without the grief. It was awesome to be able to think about her and be completely happy and thankful that she was my mother without the pain of loss running parallel. So that’s good.

The first curve ball was that I was denied my divorce. Seriously. How ridiculous. My case was thrown out because the manager of the retreat center where my ex-husband lives/works signed for the certified letter instead of my ex-husband himself. I had to start completely over. Serve new papers, pay more money, wait another 40 days after service, schedule court at 10 AM on a Friday. What a nightmare. I was so, so looking forward to having this done and getting my mother’s name back.

I can’t go to my gym anymore because of some stupid drama going on over there. The owner treated one of the trainers horribly, and I just can’t patronize that place after what happened. I’ve been trying to find a new place, but it’s been very hard. I haven’t worked out in like two weeks, and I feel awful.

I started working as the social media manager for my ex-boyfriend’s band, which was a blast until a whole bunch of band drama put an end to it. (Drama everywhere these past two weeks…is Mercury in retrograde again??)

And then my ex-boyfriend and I decided to try to give things another go.

Oh, and one of his best friends is here for an extended visit, so I got to meet him. It’s always interesting to meet your best friend’s best friend. I think it can tell you a lot about a person. These guys love each other like brothers. It’s sweet.

Anyway, I’m very glad it’s a short week and that there’s vacation at the end of the tunnel.

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Friendship

I’ve never been as depressed as I’ve been these past few weeks. But I told myself that at the end of this week, that would be over, that I’d get up and get on with my life. And lo and behold, I woke up Thursday morning not happy, per se, but not depressed anymore. The big hole of emptiness was gone.

Of course, life is never that easy…I woke up Friday morning with a horrible cold, so getting back to live (exercise, etc.) will have to wait a little longer. Blah.

We (me, dad, and mom’s brother) woke up in time for the sunrise on Wednesday, October 17th. Mom’s brother said a prayer of thanksgiving for mom’s life, and then we all went out onto the deck to scatter mom’s ashes. Dad wanted to keep some in the urn, and I still have some in a small metal heart here at home, so we didn’t scatter them all, but most are there off the side of the deck. It was a gorgeous sunrise. It’s a good place for mom’s ashes to be. It’s a good place for us to remember her being, even if she isn’t really there anymore.

And I took some pictures of the site before I left. Turns out there are some green beans growing there. Who knew? 🙂

It was so funny, when mom’s brother got into town and met us for dinner, he came into the bar where dad and I were waiting and sat down, then started talking…and then he looked at me and said, “And here I am, talking, when I’m just lookin’ at you and thinkin’ about how much you look like your mother.”

“Funny,” I said, “because that’s exactly what I was thinking about you.”

I’m sad that when my mom’s brother is gone, my mom’s stories are gone, too. No one will ever know her like he did. No one will ever know her like I did, either, sure, but he knew her as she was growing up. No one can replace that.

I have an old friend from writing class who has recently begun writing me letters. I always looked up to him as a sort of mentor. I mentioned in one of my responses that I’d been having trouble writing about mom, that it was still too soon for me. He said his mother passed away five years ago, and it was still too soon for him, too. That made me feel a little better. I wish I could write about everything that’s happened. So many of us have experienced loss, and I know that the only thing that can make any of us feel better is the understanding that we’re not alone. If I could write everything down, maybe I could help someone else like my friends have helped me.

And speaking of friends, and the title of this post, I have to say that my ex has been instrumental in getting me through the past few weeks. He was there for me in ways I never expected. If I ever had any doubts about whether or not he cared for me, or about how much he cared for me, they’ve all been erased. He let me take all of my sorrow, grief, and anger out on him, and he was nothing but supportive. I’m both amazed and grateful.

I switched therapists (not sure if I’ve said)…my most recent therapist always made me feel like I was just there as a paying client, like she didn’t really care about me, and that just wouldn’t do. I switched to an RPCV whom I met at a pot luck about a month ago. She’s an older lady, and she’s extremely kind. She’s also the first person who didn’t immediately say that my ex is a selfish asshole and that I should cease all contact with him. She actually helped me see that our relationship wasn’t as one-sided as both of us had thought, but that we gave in different ways: me, more of my material goods, and him, more of his quality time and attention. Neither is worth more. If anything, really, time and attention means more, right? But I’m glad there was finally a different perspective.

Life is a funny place. I think that I’m in a good position to move on and figure out new ways to make a difference in the world. Once this cold is gone, anyway. I’m lucky that my depression didn’t last any longer than it did. I know that not everyone is as lucky. I feel for those people, I honestly do. Real depression is no joke. But no one can save you from it but yourself.

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Ashes to Ashes

Well, here we are. Down at the beach to leave some of mom’s ashes in the place she loved the most.

Being depressed is no fun at all. Really, just none. I don’t want to see people. I don’t want to have to smile if I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to have to talk about mundane things. I just want to stay in bed and forget that there’s anything going on outside of the door of my bedroom. I’ve even been struggling to spend time with dad, and that’s never been the case (well, maybe when I was younger, but I blame that on hormones).

Mom’s brother is coming in tonight. We’re all going to dinner. Then we’re going to wake up early, before the neighbors, to say a little something and scatter some ashes. And then, I hope (REALLY hope) that I can get back to life. And even if I don’t feel like it, I’m only allowing myself to continue on this depression spiral for a few more days. Next week, I’m done with it, whether the rest of me wants to be or not.

It’s so pretty down here…just gorgeous weather. If it were any other time, I’d be renting a bike to go riding or walking on the beach. Honestly, the fact that I’m waking up and typing is a good thing, I think.

I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and prayers during this time. It’s sad that this one event–mom’s passing–has made such an impact on my life, but it is as it is.

And it’s strange, but the person I feel the worst for is mom’s dog. I wonder if she still thinks mom is still coming home, if she still expects her to show up. I read all about cats when I got separated, and everyone seems to think cats have about a six-month memory…after that, they don’t remember you if you’re gone. I wonder about this dog. Mom was retired when she got her, so they spent a LOT of time together. I know the dog knew mom was sick. I don’t know if she knew mom passed. I do know she was depressed for a long time and that she does the best when she’s in an environment mom has never graced (such as dad’s new place in Florida). It’s interesting. And sad. At least I can logic my way through things. I don’t like the dog, but I do feel bad for her.

Anyway, tomorrow’s the big day. I’ll be glad when it’s over. I need to get back to taking care of myself instead of trying to take care of someone who has left us. I don’t have any regrets. I wish I’d done some things differently, but I couldn’t have…I’m only human. I did the best I could, I loved the best I could, and I’m honored that I got to help usher mom into the next phase of her existence. That doesn’t stop me from being sad, though.

I love you, mom. Last year at this time, I would have been preparing my meals for the week and cleaning house so I could get back to being with you. I’d told work that I would be working from your house for the duration of your illness. Turned out it was just a day. And I knew as soon as I arrived that morning. I could see it in your eyes. I’m sorry you had to suffer so. But I’m glad we had so long to say goodbye. I hope that the next time I come here to the beach, I will be happy that you will meet me and not so sad that I have to leave you.

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Insanity

Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again while expecting different results.

So…I might be insane.

I’ve been reading through my Peace Corps journals recently. I’m almost through one of five. I wrote everything down every single day. I wanted to remember everything: smells, sounds, people, conversations. I did a remarkable job. Reading through, I’ll hit a sentence that brings back an entire day’s worth of memories. Oh yeah, I remember that training session! And what that food tasted like! And how mad I was at the bitches smoking by the doors of our compound so we all had to smell their exhaust! And how it felt when that scorpion stung me!

My first reaction in reading through was pride in the person I was then, then sadness that I lost much of my confidence and center. When I went into the Peace Corps, I’d just finishing my stint in Boone with Johnny, my best friend. We were extremely close. He taught me more than perhaps anyone else I’ve ever met in my life, and I was in a very strong, Zen, centered place. I lost that while I was in the Peace Corps. Not that Johnny didn’t try to help me keep it: he wrote letters, which meant a lot as he hates to write, and he called me every week. If it hadn’t been for him and my parents, I don’t know if I would have made it through all two years.

Anyway, the main reason I wanted to go through this exercise was to find out why I ever even liked my ex-husband in the first place. At this point, I don’t remember at all. I remember how I felt around him when we were in Lesotho, but I don’t know why. I hope I wrote that down.

First, though, I have to make it through Katiso, subject of one of my published short stories. It’s been an interesting experience. I have this memory of Katiso and our relationship, and it has absolutely no correlation to what I wrote down in my journal. Even when I was writing down what was actually happening, I was totally making up things in my mind. There are a lot of “if only” statements: if only things were slightly different, they’d be perfect; if only he did this one thing differently, it’d be amazing; we’ll be perfect once these things are ironed out. It’s like I imagined our relationship even while we were together. And if that wasn’t scary enough, I could replace Katiso’s name with my most recent ex’s and the story would stay almost exactly the same.

No joke.

Almost exactly.

That frightens me.

So I called Johnny.

Full disclosure: not only is he my best friend, but he can see my future. He’s always had this ability, and sometimes I’ll purposefully go months without talking to him because I just don’t want to know. Everyone thinks it’d be great to be able to know your future, but it’s more annoying than anything else. Trust me. Because knowing your future does not give you the ability to change it.

I told him what I was thinking, and he said, well, I was just waiting for you to figure that out. (See why I sometimes avoid talking to him?)

I just don’t know what to do from here. Okay, I keep falling into these same types of relationships (and Katiso wasn’t the first–the first was a boy I met in high school who kept me under his thumb for an entire decade), so how do I stop? What is the lesson that I need to learn to be able to break the cycle? Johnny had some suggestions, but he can’t give me all the answers. Well, he could, but what would be the fun in that?

What I’d really like is to find someone who loves me for who I am and not what I can give to or do for him. I want someone who makes me feel special, who thinks of me often, who encourages me to grow into the best version of myself I can be. The only time I’ve ever had that in my life was with Johnny, and we were never romantically together. He managed to do all of that while just being my friend. And that’s why I have such a high standard of friendship. We bought each other flowers. We left each other cards. We cooked meals together, pretty much every single day. I moved down the street from him. We watched movies and cuddled together on the couch. We talked about deep, important things. We went on trips together. We knew everything about each other. It was like the perfect relationship, except it was just missing that final piece.

So I guess I’d like to find my Johnny. I suppose that’s my answer. I should stop settling for anything less.

 

Now, on an entirely different note, mom’s one-year anniversary is coming up October 17th. I’m sad and depressed, as could be expected. We’re going down to the beach to scatter her ashes, as she wanted. It’s going to be heart-wrenching.

I got a new tattoo on Tuesday. I wanted a filigree design on the inside of my left wrist that matches my modified wedding ring. I told my artist that I wanted to incorporate mom’s initials, SSS, into the design, but they didn’t have to be front and center. He came up with this design that has SSS in the middle of a filigree heart. It’s amazing. Every day, I love it more and it means more. It has a power that I didn’t imagine. I feel like it’s turning me into a different person. I’m sure it’s not the way mom would have chosen for me to remember her, but it’s exactly what I needed.

I’ve learned that the feeling of loss never gets easier to bear: you just learn to live with it. Compartmentalize it, someone told me last week. I had hoped it would become less acute, but I guess that’s not the way these things work. So I’ve compartmentalized it. It’s now on my wrist. I stare at it all day, every day.

Pain into beauty. Such is life. Or so we hope.

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Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

When my previous therapist and I were talking about grief work, she suggested that I write you a letter. We both knew I wasn’t ready for that, so she told me to keep the idea in the back of my head and take advantage of it when it was time.

When I was talking to my new therapist about how I felt visiting your house these days, she asked if I’d written you a letter. I said no. Then I started crying and said I wasn’t ready. She just nodded.

As both of them told me I should write to you, I guess I should listen.

I suppose I’m finally ready.

It was triggered by something unexpected: a new CD. P!nk’s new album, The Truth About Love, was released yesterday, and I was listening to it in the car today while I was running errands and then heading to the gym. Song #9 is “Beam Me Up.” I started crying after the first verse and didn’t stop until I turned the car off at the gym. Then I listened to it on the way home and started crying again. I put it on the computer while I was settling in and just kept crying. (I’ll put the lyrics and a link to the song at the end here so you can hear it.)

I think this means that I’m not okay and that I still really, really, really miss you.

I’ve tried to be very Buddhist about this whole situation. I know that death is inevitable and that attachments lead to suffering. Sure. It’s true. I’ve also tried to shy away from all the “it’s just not fair” crap. But it’s not fair. I do feel robbed of decades of your love, your advice, your wisdom, your ear, your example. Your hugs. Our arguments. Holidays. Shopping. Celebrations. Shared loss. My life is proving to be so much like yours that I know you could help me walk along my own path. When I don’t know what to do these days, I don’t know to whom I should turn. Dad’s been doing a great job, but there are some things he just doesn’t want to hear. I know it’s hard for him.

There are also still some things I need to know that you never told me. Like, I know all about Richard. Well, I know a lot about Richard. But I don’t know how it finally ended, how you got over it…if you ever got over it. I remember finally meeting him at a funeral–was it Bibba’s?–and, when you pointed and said, “That’s Richard,” my going over to him and saying, “Richard? Hi! I’m Allison, Sallie’s daughter. I’ve heard SO much about you!” I think the expression on his face made your decade.

And more about your first marriage. You must have seen so much of it reflected in my own marriage. I don’t know why you were behind my marriage as strongly as you were. Maybe you just wanted to support me. Maybe you thought that having a man who loved me would be the only thing that mattered, even if that was about the only good quality he brought to the table. I remember asking you how you felt when you got divorced. I don’t remember exactly what you said, but I think it was along the lines of disappointed or like a failure. I said I felt free. You reacted almost like that made you sad.

And how to manage all of this crap. This past year and a half has been so hard on me, mom. I’m at a point where I really don’t feel like I can take anything else happening. I might literally crack. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am–and I know that I am; I get that from you–but I’m so tired of having to be strong. You were always so good at multitasking and juggling everything. I know it annoyed me sometimes because I never felt I had your full attention, but I understand now. And the way you handled your cancer was a model for all of us. You never complained about anything, never said you felt pain, even when I knew you did. I could use the lessons that you learned during that journey. I wish you could teach me how to suffer with grace.

It’s so hard for me to go back to your house. I’m honestly glad I don’t live there anymore. I don’t know how dad manages. All I see when I walk in is your illness and everything I could have done better. I see myself struggling to learn how to help you use the bathroom and hurting you, I’m sure, in the process. I see myself causing you pain when I tried to move you. I see myself being short or gruff when I was frustrated–not with you, but with the cancer and what it was doing to you. I see myself trying to hurry you when you had no energy for anything. I know that I’m only human and that I did the absolute best that I could, but I could have done better, mom. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the times I hurt you or made you uncomfortable or forced you to do things you didn’t want to do. I know those things don’t matter to you. But they matter to me.

I’m sorry.

People always say things like, “If I could only go back and have five minutes to say everything I need to say, I wouldn’t leave room for any regrets.” I don’t have that regret. I think the one blessing your disease gave to all of us was a chance to say everything. I said everything I needed to say multiple times, and your responses were always what I needed to hear. There was nothing left unsaid. So I don’t have much to add here in that respect. You know that I’m sorry for all of the trouble I caused, and you told me that it wasn’t the bad times that you remembered, but the good. You know that I love you, and I know you love me. I just wish you were here. I wish I had that one minute, “just to stare, happy just to be there, holding your face.”

I miss you, mom. I love you so much. I’m tired of the pain and heartbreak of grief. It feels just as acute right now as it did right after you passed. I’ve heard it never gets any easier. That sucks. The worst part of having a mother who was my best friend, who was such an amazing woman and role model, is how big of a void your passing leaves in my life.

I hope that one day your memory only calls up happiness and not this wrench in my heart. Like you wrote on my poster–that awesome gift you gave me as a going-away present for the Peace Corps with all of my friends’ pictures and space for them to sign their well-wishes. You wrote, down in the corner near a picture of us at the beach: “Honey, may you always think of me with a smile on your face and in your heart–I’ll love you forever and beyond. Mom.”

I miss you, mom. I’ll always love you forever and beyond, too.

-A

Beam Me Up Video

“There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There’s a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a black bird soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.”

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Following in Her Footsteps

I had another realization tonight. I’ve known for a while that many things that have happened to me in my life–choices I’ve made, relationships, key decisions–have mirrored those in my mother’s life. I spoke about that in my eulogy, about how all women eventually become their mothers. But what I’d failed to realize is how things would turn out if I decided to consciously follow in her footsteps.

I can’t follow them exactly, of course. I didn’t skip grades in school (in fact, it took me waaaaay too long to finish, but I went further than she did). I’m not a programmer, though I do work in the tech industry. I prefer to read books of substance, not trashy romance novels. I hate dogs. I will never have a dog. Ever.

Anyway, you get the idea.

Tonight, I went to a meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR). I knew mom belonged, and I knew her mom belonged, but I didn’t think either was very active. I do remember going to a DAR conference with mom when I was a kid. I think it was in Atlanta. I don’t remember much but a sea of gray-haired old ladies. I figured that’s what DAR was going to be: a bunch of old ladies. Not that I have anything against old ladies. Much to the contrary! I’m also a member of the Order of the Eastern Star, and those old(er) OES ladies I met in West Virginia were some of the kindest people I’ve ever met, and I’ll always care for them, and them for me. I’m still getting to know the ones here at my OES chapter in NC, but I’ve found them all to be very nice as well. It’s just that I’m 32, and I don’t know how many old-lady organizations I can belong to right now.

I was pleasantly surprised. Most of the women at this DAR chapter are my age, slightly younger, or slightly older. Most are working women or stay-at-home moms. One woman I sat next to had three piercings per ear and tattoos on her inner wrists, and we bonded immediately, of course. This is not my mom’s DAR. And they’re all very active in charity and community work, all centered around the DAR’s mission, which is to support American patriots, past and present. It was really cool. I’m looking forward to getting to know the ladies and getting more involved.

I had to stand up, along with the other newcomers, to introduce myself. I prepared by making a mental bullet-list of the highlights: separated and extremely excited to be starting my divorce process on Monday (everyone cheered), RPCV Lesotho, MA in PWE from WVU, editor at a well-known software company.

Then a very rare realization: I am awesome.

I’m an awesome person. I’ve done a lot of awesome things. I have a decent list of accomplishments. I think I’m a good person. I try to be kind, even though I often fail. I try to be generous and loving and giving. Even though I’m not always there for my friends, my friends are always there for me. That has to mean something. (Maybe that I’m a bad friend?!)

I should back up for a minute here. This is my first day back from vacation. I went out to CO for the wedding of a good Peace Corps buddy. The other RPCVs who were there weren’t ever close friends of mine, though we knew each other and got along just fine, but we all share a common thread that makes us family. I met a guy who was two weeks back from a long stint with US AID in Afghanistan. I had drinks with people who distributed malaria nets in Sudan (including the groom). I met nurses and non-profit workers. Almost everyone there was doing something that mattered. It made me feel a bit like a slacker because I’ve let my non-profit ball drop, but I think it’s about time to pick that up again.

Anyway, that experience–reconnecting with people who are LIVING and not just existing–reminded me of things that used to matter to me. Those things got lost in this past year of stress and grief and loss and, like my (occasionally) trusty GPS, recalculating.

If I can remember that I’m awesome, that I can do awesome things and make a difference in the world during the few years that I am blessed with the gift of existence (because, let’s face it, I’ll count myself very lucky if my life isn’t half over at this point–mom’s was at 32)…if I can remember all of that and get myself back to walking the trail mom blazed for me…well, that would be a good thing, I think.

Relevant post script: The whole time I was with the boy, he kept telling me that he wasn’t the right person for me. I can say a lot about him, but one thing I can’t say is that he ever lied to me about anything important. He was right about most things, actually. He called me magical, special, “why do you have to be so perfect?” And he said he wasn’t the right person for me. I should have listened to all of that. Because it’s true.

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Loss is Loss

My birthday is in six days. I’m alternately excited and sad.

And to make it even more fun, not only do I have to deal with missing my mother, but the boy broke up with me last weekend, so I have to deal with that at the same time.

I shouldn’t say it like that, though. It’s not like he was mean about it. It’s not like it was out of the blue. It’s been bound to happen eventually. We both care a lot about each other, and I believe it when he says he does not want to hurt me. I think the timing could have been better, but such is life. I gave it everything I had. He had nothing to give. So that’s that.

I’ve been struggling with why I’m so upset about it. When I look at the situation objectively, it’s clear that this is the best thing for both of us. We both want to figure out a way to keep our friendship, and while that might be really hard, it means that I’m ultimately not going to lose the part of the relationship I care the most about. I shouldn’t be sad. I learned a lot from the relationship and from him. I grew in many different ways. He helped me recover from losing mom and to deal with much of my grief. I think I’m a better person for having met him. I know he’s not the right person for me, at least not right now. So why am I so sad?

I just got off the phone with one of my best friends. He said that loss is loss, even if it’s a good loss. He also said that it takes about three years for a person to recover from divorce, so I’m probably still dealing with a lot of that, even if I was relieved to be out of the marriage. Plus, mom. That’s a lot of loss for one person to deal with. And to be honest, that’s one of the reasons it took so long for me and the boy to end things: he didn’t want to add to my loss.

I don’t know how much loss one person can deal with, though. At least not without crumbling and breaking. I guess I’ll find out.

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Friends, Heat, and Grief

One of my childhood friends was married on Saturday. I think it was the hottest day on record. It was an outdoor wedding at Fearrington, and while it was at 6 pm, we were sitting in the shade, there was a breeze, and they provided fans and cool towels, I still sweat like a pig. That’s pretty normal for me, though. I’m just glad I wore a black dress so it wasn’t so obvious!

It was nice to see so many of my parents’ friends. I’ve known them all my whole life. The young woman getting married, Julie, is a couple of years younger than I am. I was always closer with her brother, who is my age. I have many memories of playing with our He-Man toys in their playroom and of being jealous that they had a pet rabbit (I always wanted one, but mom said they stank too much). We apparently were not always nice to Julie, but I don’t remember that, of course.

The food was wonderful. Julie was beautiful. But it was so very bittersweet.

I wasn’t expecting to miss mom so much. Fearrington was always one of her favorite places, so I was expecting to be thinking of her, but the thing is that if she were still around, she would have been heavily involved in helping with this wedding. I spoke with the mother of the bride a bit, and she said she’d been thinking about my mom the whole day, about how much she loved the place and about how much she would have loved the band, who started the night off with beach music. We danced together later: the shag, in honor of my mother. I’ve never been very good at it. Mom always led. But I think we did okay.

I cried the whole way home. It was kind of awful. My poor boyfriend has been having to deal with this kind of stuff from me since I met him. He tried to make me feel better by telling me how everyone supported me, how I was so loved, how everyone saw my mother when they looked at me. In truth, just crying and allowing myself to feel grief was cathartic in many ways. Being held was cathartic in others. I’m lucky to have him in my life.

Other not-so-fun events transpired yesterday that really made me appreciate my parents and their unconditional love, which I’ve always taken for granted. Parents are supposed to love their children no matter what, right? I can’t imagine it any other way. Seeing parents who act like they love their children only when it’s easy or convenient makes me confused and sad. I don’t know how a child who has never known a steady, reliable love could have any kind of functional relationship as an adult.

I can’t take my parents’ love for granted anymore. I’m blessed to have such a wonderful mom and dad, and I’m blessed to know what it means to love and be loved unconditionally.

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Waiting for the Moon

Easter weekend came and went without too much of a fuss, although I will confess that it was full of adventure. I had Friday off, so I worked out, had lunch with dad, and used one of my coupons for a mini-massage and facial. That was nice. Then the boy and I went out to eat with an old acquaintance of mine from college and her guy, who was in for the weekend.

The boy’s band practice was canceled, so we slept in late on Saturday and then went to see Act of Valor. It wasn’t bad. Definitely not the best acting I’ve ever seen, but that’s because they supposedly used real SEALs as actors. The action scenes were pretty much just like watching Modern Warfare or some of these other war video games, which reinforced my belief that those games are just getting the next generation of soldiers prepared for battle. I mean, you could pretty much throw any regular 12-year-old boy into combat these days and he’d know what to do. Scary.

I made dinner Saturday night, and then we went for a walk around the lake. It’s nice at night. Less people. We only do half of the trail, so we turn around at the boardwalk by the road. We stopped there to talk for a little while, and then I was like, “There’s somebody standing over there.” The boy said, “He has a camera.” Odd. So we walked over. It was a young Asian guy who did indeed have a very expensive camera set up on a tripod. The boy asked what he was doing, and he said that he was waiting for the full moon, which, according to the internet, should have arrived by 9:08 p.m. It was 9:11. So, having nothing much better to do, we decided to wait for the moon. And it was worth it. We watched this huge full moon rise over the treeline until it was reflected in the still lake below. Absolutely beautiful. I bet that kid got some amazing shots.

Dad had given me a present to open on Easter, so I dug into it around 12:30 a.m. Of course, it was a stuffed bunny.

He also gave me a plastic egg with three Reese’s mini cups. Perfect. I got to enjoy some Easter candy without the temptation to binge on an entire bag. It was altogether an extremely thoughtful gift. I have the best dad in the world.

We slept in late again Sunday. The boy went home and I cleaned my apartment. I think a Happy Easter was had by all, as evidenced by this text I received from the boy’s bassist:

The boy’s mom invited me over for dinner, so I went out there in the early evening. It was nice. I like spending time with them and having a mom-like person to talk with. I drank a bit too much of her boxed wine and have been paying for it today, but otherwise, it was a good evening.

I feel so thankful for my dad and for the boy and his family. I’m thankful for the support and the acceptance and the love. That’s what Easter’s all about to me, anyway: family and love. And I got a lot of both.

 

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