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Posts Tagged ‘blog’

Tapping the Well

In the last post, I mentioned that my therapist asked me to write down some emotions and make a list of how I was feeling about each. It was difficult, but I made some headway. We started talking about it last Friday. (I saw her again a few days ago on Tuesday, which is when I usually see her, but we were preoccupied by other things this week, so we haven’t gotten back to it just yet.)

I pulled out the list. She asked me to read it, and I said no and handed it to her. She asked if she could read it out loud, and I said no. It was hard enough to write. I didn’t want to hear it out loud. There are some things on that list that I am barely able to admit to myself, so making them real by verbalizing them is just too painful right now. To be honest, I didn’t want to even talk about them. It was the hardest session I’ve ever been through. At the end, I felt raw and vulnerable and exposed. I think I spend so much time trying to ignore bad feelings that acknowledging them is extremely difficult. I know it’s something I need to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Things are generally getting better, especially as I try to work with the emotions I feel as I feel them instead of trying to bury them. It’s interesting to me that the most difficult thing I’m dealing with is one of the core components of Zen: let things be. Feel emotions as they come and allow them to be as they are without clinging or fighting or turning them over and over again in your head so they become overwhelming.

Life is just a continual learning experience.

I still miss mom terribly. Work has been extremely stressful these past few weeks, which has had me even more on edge (no worries: everything’s great and I still love my job, but it’s crazy!). And I’ve got some other personal stuff going on that I’m having to learn how to manage. I feel lonely a lot. My heart still hurts. I find myself longing for the last time I felt happy, which was when I had just moved back to NC and was staying in my little room in my parents’ house, and I’ve been trying to dissect the me I was back then to figure out what was making me or allowing me to be so happy in the hopes that I can get that back. I think I have some good ideas. Again, not that it makes things any easier.

I’ve been thinking it might be time to start trying to turn this blog into something else. Maybe going back through it and constructing a story out of it will help me process some of the emotions I’ve been avoiding. I hate announcing writing projects because they never seem to get off the ground once you do. We’ll see.

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Saturdays

I miss my mom the most on Saturdays. I was telling my running partner that, and she asked why I thought that was. I suppose it’s because I have more time to sit around and think on Saturdays. It’s usually the day that I clean, so there’s a bigger chance of me running into mom’s pictures in the hallway. And I guess it used to be the day that I always called her. I called her a lot during the week, too, but Saturdays and Sundays were when we were able to slow down a little more, talk a little longer.

There are so many things I want to talk with her about. She was somehow able to listen to me impartially and without judgement, even when I pushed the boundaries of her propriety or when I was heading down a path she didn’t agree with. She always had great advice. Especially when it came to things like my career and my relationships. I could use a little of both right now.

People in my life are still telling me that they’re amazed at how strong I am. I don’t see it. But I also don’t let many people see the parts of me that are cracked to breaking, so maybe it’s just that people don’t know. Maybe I am selfish with my grief.

I thought I was doing pretty well with the whole grief thing. I think I just somehow put it on hold for a little while. It’s creeping back in. Usually on Saturdays.

One of the regular readers of this blog was emphatic about me reading Anna Quindlan’s One True Thing. She wouldn’t let my hand go at the funeral until I promised I’d read it. I ordered it back then, but it’s been sitting on a shelf ever since. I was busy with school, then busy reading other things on my list. I probably also knew I wasn’t ready.

I started reading it this weekend (yes, on Saturday). It’s been painfully difficult and brutally familiar to read. I’m flattered that anyone would think I write like Quindlan: she has some beautiful lines sprinkled here and there. But stepping back into the life that I lived for so many months is…raw. It’s making me feel relieved that someone else understands exactly how it felt. It’s also making me feel guilty for all the things I could have done better. And it reminds me of how strong my mother was.

I am not strong. Not like her. I’m not sure I’ll ever have her grace.

I’m only about halfway through the book. I’m having trouble putting it down, but, at the same time, I’m afraid to finish. I’m not sure I’m ready to relive October 17th, the day I was midwife for my mother’s soul.

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Mothers’ Day

I’m assuming that most of you are also reading mom’s blog, but just in case you aren’t, I’m happy to report that her biopsy came back with the result that she’s a mutant (and dad and I promptly told her that we already knew that!), testing positive for the EGFR gene.  But we had pretty much already guessed that because she’s gotten the Tarceva rash.  Her energy isn’t back at 100%, but she’s been able to go on short walks, doesn’t cough nearly as much (dad said she doesn’t start until about 4 a.m.), and sounds just like her old self.

So, from here on out, it’s just a prayer that the Tarceva does what it’s supposed to do.  I’m by no means a medical expert, but from what I understand, the drug is supposed to block the receptors that allow for tumor growth, so it’s supposed to get rid of what’s there and keep new stuff from forming.

Mothers’ Day is almost upon us, and mom mentioned that folks had asked if I’d be back.  I’m going to stay up here this weekend, but I’m trying to see if we can take a long weekend over Memorial Day to go down.  Anthony’s also going to see if he can get some time off, which means a looooong car ride for a pair of adorable kitties!  I gave mom some money to cover a facial that she wants, and I also had a box of “frogs” (they’re homemade turtles) from the Chocolate Fetish in Asheville delivered.  They arrived this morning.  At least they’re made from whole ingredients without all the added crap!  😀  (If you’re ever in the market for chocolate, I highly recommend them…especially the Velvet Sin truffle, which is my absolute favorite!!  I think I could eat nothing but those things for the rest of my life and be a very happy gal!)

So I’m sending love to all the mothers out there, both experienced and brand new, and hoping that all of you have not only one wonderful day, but a lifetime of wonder.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support, and let’s hope that there won’t be much more to report on my mom other than her continued improvement!

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Mom’s Blog

I just found out through Facebook (don’t say it’s not good for anything!) that mom has started her own blog.  I still plan to update this one…I originally started to keep my own friends updated with what’s happening and to have an outlet for my own feelings, and it’s serving me well in both regards.  I have also been happy to let mom share this with her friends and our family as she chooses.  So unless and until she asks me to stop, I’ll be here.  🙂

Not much to report…just trying to write a large research paper today so I can focus 100% on my parents while I’m back in NC.  (Since I’m posting here, I’m sure you can tell how well my writing is going!)  I’ll be heading back to my parents’ house early Tuesday morning.

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