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Posts Tagged ‘memories’

Back to the Beach

Dad and I went to the beach this weekend. It was hard. There were a lot of “the last time I was here” moments.

Like the last time I drove down this particular stretch of road, I had to stop to try to get mom more comfortable because her back was hurting so badly and the catheter was uncomfortable.

And the last time I stopped at this gas station, I had to figure out how to help mom get to the public restroom. Not so easy in a wheelchair, let me tell you.

And the last time I walked down these stairs, it was following the volunteer firemen who came to carry mom so she could make it out safely.

And the last time I used this tub, it was to give mom a bath on the little bench that my aunt brought for us.

And the last time I was at this table, it was to feed mom the blueberry pancakes that she loved so much.

And the last time I was out on this deck, it was to roll mom out in the wheelchair so she could sit in the sun for a few minutes and listen to the ocean.

And the last person I know who slept in my bed on the first floor was my mom (she couldn’t make it up to the master suite).

And the last time I was on my computer at the dining room table, I could see mom through the bedroom doorway.

Needless to say, it was difficult.

But it was also nice. Dad needed the time away from all the paperwork and the stress of being at home. I needed a short respite from my thesis and the stress of being at work. I rented a bike again (a road bike this time!), and I rode down to the aquarium and met dad for a quick spin around the new facilities there. We also went to see the Blackbeard exhibit in Beaufort, then did a little shopping (more looking than buying) and had a very good dinner at the Blue Moon Bistro.

I brought the little heart that has a bit of mom’s ashes in it. Part of me thought it would be nice to bring it to the beach. Part of me couldn’t bear to leave it behind at home. So those two parts combined and I brought it along. I hope it doesn’t become my safety blanket. I know she’s not in there, but it’s a helpful touchstone.

I’d been doing okay with things on the grief front for a while…until a few minutes ago. My company’s having a pot-luck lunch on Thursday, and I thought I’d bring mom’s shrimp dip, which everyone always loves. I was searching through old emails to find where mom sent it to me. It’s so, so difficult to see her little avatar picture and to read emails from her. It’s like a tease, like maybe if I just send an email, she’ll write me back. I don’t think it works that way, though. I’m not sure heaven has an Internet connection just yet.

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