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Posts Tagged ‘therapy’

Tapping the Well

In the last post, I mentioned that my therapist asked me to write down some emotions and make a list of how I was feeling about each. It was difficult, but I made some headway. We started talking about it last Friday. (I saw her again a few days ago on Tuesday, which is when I usually see her, but we were preoccupied by other things this week, so we haven’t gotten back to it just yet.)

I pulled out the list. She asked me to read it, and I said no and handed it to her. She asked if she could read it out loud, and I said no. It was hard enough to write. I didn’t want to hear it out loud. There are some things on that list that I am barely able to admit to myself, so making them real by verbalizing them is just too painful right now. To be honest, I didn’t want to even talk about them. It was the hardest session I’ve ever been through. At the end, I felt raw and vulnerable and exposed. I think I spend so much time trying to ignore bad feelings that acknowledging them is extremely difficult. I know it’s something I need to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Things are generally getting better, especially as I try to work with the emotions I feel as I feel them instead of trying to bury them. It’s interesting to me that the most difficult thing I’m dealing with is one of the core components of Zen: let things be. Feel emotions as they come and allow them to be as they are without clinging or fighting or turning them over and over again in your head so they become overwhelming.

Life is just a continual learning experience.

I still miss mom terribly. Work has been extremely stressful these past few weeks, which has had me even more on edge (no worries: everything’s great and I still love my job, but it’s crazy!). And I’ve got some other personal stuff going on that I’m having to learn how to manage. I feel lonely a lot. My heart still hurts. I find myself longing for the last time I felt happy, which was when I had just moved back to NC and was staying in my little room in my parents’ house, and I’ve been trying to dissect the me I was back then to figure out what was making me or allowing me to be so happy in the hopes that I can get that back. I think I have some good ideas. Again, not that it makes things any easier.

I’ve been thinking it might be time to start trying to turn this blog into something else. Maybe going back through it and constructing a story out of it will help me process some of the emotions I’ve been avoiding. I hate announcing writing projects because they never seem to get off the ground once you do. We’ll see.

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