Posts Tagged ‘unintended consequences’

Here we are, 2012. I’m still waiting for the flying car that was promised. I guess Google’s working on it.

My New Year’s Eve was spectacular. I did end up at the midnight yoga session, which was great, and a couple of people I’d mentioned it to also showed up: a co-worker and his girlfriend, as well as my hairdresser. My boyfriend wasn’t too into the idea of yoga, so he hung out and waited for me, which was very nice of him.

Going through that practice was healing. It was yet another chance for me to say goodbye to mom, and it was also a good opportunity for me to slough off everything else that happened in 2011. There was a lot. And now it’s gone. Even though our concept of time is entirely arbitrary, the start of a new calendar year always brings with it a bit of hope for something different, for a change for the better.

I don’t miss mom as much as I thought I would. The acute period of grief was devastating, and I sincerely believe that seeing a therapist during that time helped tremendously. (I’m still seeing her, but just every other week now.) I do find myself wanting to talk to mom about certain things. I miss many things about her and our relationship. That will never change. But I’m able to start moving on, which is good. I’m also able to spend the night away from the little heart containing her ashes (that took me a while).

Of course, there are unintended consequences. I was talking with my counselor about how my emotions have changed, and she asked how much of that was a result of the dissolution of my marriage and how much the loss of my mother. I honestly hadn’t thought that losing mom would affect that part of my life, but I suppose it makes sense that I would fear getting extremely close to people only to lose them. We’re always going to lose them. Nothing lasts forever. That’s life. I’m interested in seeing how these things play out in my own heart and head now. I’m very different than I used to be.

This week, I took another step in reclaiming myself. The question I’ve gotten most often about my divorce is what I’m going to do with my wedding ring tattoo. I was originally going to leave it as it is: it, like my marriage, is a part of who I am, and I don’t regret either. I toyed with the idea of modifying it for a while. But something happened last month where I was signing a paper with my ex and someone asked about it, and my ex held up his hand to show that his matched mine. I realized that I never wanted that to happen again. So I tracked down my favorite tattoo artist (who did our rings initially), and he altered it so that it is now “uniquely mine”–“Don’t go sharing it with anyone else,” he said. And he didn’t even charge me: “Consider it a touch up.” A kind soul, that one. And now one more tie that was starting to strangle me has been cut.

I’ve also been doing well with my training for the half marathon in March. I’m up to eight miles on my long runs, which I think is pretty ahead of schedule. I’ve been doing those out on the Tobacco Trail in Durham. That’s where the race will be, and it is flat and glorious. I could run on that thing all day. I think I’m finally starting to enjoy running, which is very new to me. I go out with the running group at work sometimes during the week: they’re good about making sure I don’t get left behind and lost! I’d been pretty obsessive about my weight before, but I’m focusing solely on this training right now and not so much on what I’m eating. That’s both good and bad. I like not having to be obsessed about calculating calories and such, but I do want to make sure I’m not gaining. Rumor has it that once you get up to running 10 miles on the long runs, you don’t really need to worry about how much you’re eating anymore. A lot of runners say that they run because they love to eat!

Dad has been away this week on a ski trip. I only spoke to him one, briefly. This is the longest we’ve gone in months without speaking to each other every day. I hope he had a good trip and is feeling better.

Anyway, I hope that you all have had a wonderful start to 2012 and that it is a year full of hope, blessings, growth, and rest. I think we could all use a bit of that.


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